jeffcagle:

loldouches:

[Tonight] is what’s known among douchebag circles as Blackout Wednesday. It’s also one of the few times a year when everyone goes back to their hometowns and gets forced into awkward social situations in bars with virtually everyone from high school they never cared about to begin with, but try to act like they give a shit about now.

Instead of thinking up outlandish stories about how successful you are in hopes of making your high school sweetheart jealous about What Could Have Been, we suggest taking a different approach that is truly helpful: call someone out on their douchey behavior and advise them of the slippery slope they’re on that can lead to a full-blown case of douchebaggery.

Here are a few warning signs:

• Unnatural hand gestures in the presence of a camera
• A female or group of females posing with the kissy face
• Girls taking multiple pictures of themselves, checking the shot, then repeating
• Double or triple fisting hours before last call
• Popped collars
• Sunglasses on inside the bar at night
• Any discussion of salary in a boastful way with a casual acquaintance
• Any discussion of last weekend’s conquest
• Using a large bill to get the bartender’s attention, then not leaving a tip

We hope you arm yourself with this knowledge and put it to good use to help a dbag out. They’re simple folks, they likely don’t know any better.

Here’s a great reason why I won’t be going out to downtown Naperville tonight.

Or in my case, home at all.